not ur babygrl

for flute & Electronics

2021

“not ur babygrl,” explores the gender dysphoria I experienced while being misgendered by a beloved. The flutist plays dueling roles throughout the piece, expressing both the chaotic and sputtering world of dysphoria and the consolations of the beloved. This sputtering world gets louder and more insistent as the flutist gradually finds speech, expressed in fragments until finally declaring, “I’m not your babygirl.”

When I’m misgendered, it understandably brings up feelings of dysphoria, and this, as you might imagine, is only exacerbated, made grittier, made more suffocating when I’m misgendered by a beloved. The piece explores this dysphoria, the way it pokes into all the tender places in me, casting me out of my body, sputtering protests against the beloved’s consolations until finally speaking.

Premiered by Ariel Flach on flute & Silen Wellington on electronics in Grusin Concert Hall, March 26, 2021.